#im tired as shit from work so like this is rambly nonsense rather than well-written analysis

[reaperkaneki]

ok here are my Thoughts on gin noto

under cut bc it got long lol

first off, he is very strong representation. as in, i think this might be the platonic ideal of a transmasc character. which has its good points and bad.

sweet-p’s arc was rooted in some obviously transphobic jokes/points/etc but at its core, her arc felt well-intentioned and overall she was definitely portrayed as one of the most sympathetic of the musicians (who are antagonists but certainly not outright villains, which the musician route makes abundantly clear). she also is not, like, described as trans per se, mostly as a crossdresser who loves cute things and wishes she were a cute girl (so like, she’s trans) and honestly her arc is about self-image and body dysmorphia in general (weight and age and outside perception are all major factors). and that’s what sets her apart from gin, gin is very much about Gender Dysphoria And Conforming To Societal Gender Roles first and foremost.

unlike sweet-p’s writing, gin’s doesn’t have any overt flaws to point to, which is why i had to mull it over for a while to figure out what was missing, and i think it’s because it is very much aimed at a cis audience. the narrative itself is perfectly fine, it’s the meta-narrative that bothers me.

when gin confesses that irl, he was assigned female at birth and presents as female in his day-to-day life, and asks the player, does this change anything, there is a right answer and a wrong answer. the wrong answer is to tell him that you don’t care what gender he is, it doesn’t change anything at all; gin perceives this as a half-assed, dismissive response said without thinking and becomes upset and it locks you out of the rest of his character episodes. the correct answer is to tell him that you don’t know, you’re not sure. maybe it does change things between the two of you. gin feels that this is a understandable position to take, like, of course it might be a big deal, it certainly feels like a big deal to him!

and yes, to someone who hasn’t encountered a trans person before, that’s probably a reasonable response. to me, specifically, a fellow transmasc person, i think i sorta laughed at this part because, like, the only thing that would change if a coworker or friend or whatever told me that they were actually stealth trans this whole time (and that’s being generous bc gin is Not Slick lmfao the foreshadowing for him being trans is super obvious to anyone who knows) i’d be like cool! love that for you. etc etc. bc transgenderism is Normal to me.

but the game assumes You Are A Cis Person Who Isn’t Sure How To React To Trans People. the game doesn’t let you be trans. there’s not a nonbinary option, despite having a cyborg for an antagonist and, more egregiously, a canonically nonbinary character in your party. (i’d say pronouns, but that’s not quite the same in japanese.) not that i was expecting that to be possible, but it is a clear separation of gameplay and story that hinders roleplay (in an rpg where your character’s backstory is almost completely undefined)!

this is not to say that gin is poorly written. like i said, he’s like the platonic ideal of representation. he’s easy to clock specifically because his experiences ring true; he’s always, always, always overcompensating and posturing “as a man”, he’s trying to conform to his own personal image of “what men do”, “how guy friendships work”, “what guys are interested in”. when asked why he gets along with women so well, he lies and says it’s because he has an, uh, older sister! so he’s spent a lot of time around women! he dresses trendy, but not too fashionably (because that’s feminine, he’s function over form allegedly), and the cut of his clothes is soooo. well. the silhouette is masculinizing, or at least androgynous, let’s say. he even wishes he were taller.

i’m pretty sure i’ve done most of those things. this is writing that either speaks from experience or understands the prompt and has done the goddamn research.

it is, however, very, VERY cool that he actually turns out to Not Be A Man, at least in the sense he’s always wanted to be. REALLY good nonbinary arc that i wish wasn’t constrained to, like, the last two character episodes. it’s the one interesting ‘twist’, and i love that it explains a lot of things about him! when he talks about working as a woman irl and busting his ass in heels, he sounds proud, even as he admits that presenting female always made him uncomfortable. and lo and behold, his catharsis effect sports a pair of gold heels! if he was just a hypermasculine trans man, that would be super uncomfortable, as if it were some sort of transphobic indicator of his ‘true self’ being feminine. but no, it’s because he’s hiding that aspect of himself. he repressed his masculine tendencies to conform to social norms, and then inadvertently did the same to his feminine side, but both are important. he likes the heels.

i also like that he’s bi and acknowledges that his relationships never worked out bc he hadn’t figured out his shit yet. it do be like that sometimes.

unfortunately, i think he’s also kind of boring? like, besides her wanting to be a cute girl, sweet-p had other stuff going on, she had that boke/tsukkomi routine with stork, she had a genuine love for yume-kawaii (whereas while gin has many interests, a not-insignificant part of those interests is male posturing), she was even a musician! i understand that gin’s blandness is On Purpose because he dislikes rocking the boat (but he hates posers, which was a genuinely interesting reaction from him that didn’t feature as strongly in his arc as i wanted. even kiriko comments on it), but doesn’t change the fact that he ain’t weird enough! can’t even be an only sane man bc he goes along with everyone’s bs lol

anyway gin is cool and well-written as a trans character but missing a bit otherwise. i’d still definitely love to hang out and get beef bowls and boba with him :)

[minatobutworse]

The longest rambling incoherent nonsense I've ever written

1 year ago I would've never seen any of this coming. 6 months ago I was still in disbelief. Today I'm in a weird place where there are days where I'm so fucking happy and not giving a fuck that I can't help but dance all day, and there are other days where I'm relentlessly bitter and vicious to everyone around me. I'm glad I'm doing it the right way this time and not dragging someone along with me who didn't deserve it. I don't really hope to gain anything from posting this besides having my thoughts written out, but i hope that it will help me feel more cohesive, and understand what I'm feeling better. Things that remind me and give me that cold shudder throughout my body and make me freeze in place still crop up day to day. Paranoia still nags at me which is funny, because I have absolutely nothing to be afraid of, the cause of my paranoia is someone else's problem now. Anger still bites and tears at me on days where I could be planning out my life better. Small things that didn't ever really matter get blown out of proportion in my head, making me silently fume to myself until I'm so angry I'm shaking. My coworkers can tell when it happens so I do my best to keep it in check, otherwise they can tell. My voice shakes, I keep talking about things that gave me that fear and anger I used to feel and then I have to shut it away before it ruins my whole day. Then there are other days, where I wake up and feel confident and happy. I listen to music that I love more than anything else. Sure I look like an idiot dancing to songs in languages I don't speak, but the music is happy, and knowing the dances to them make me feel amazing, the same way being in taekwondo used to feel when I finished my forms and I knew I had the pacing and execution 100%. I got my ears pierced which I never thought would happen. Why? Because someone I used to love told me that I'd look weird with them done, and even though I backed down then and agreed, I actually was really fucking bummed. I wanted to do things that I wanted to do now, not do things the way she wanted me to. I'll dress how I think it fits me, I'll feel how I want to feel whenever I feel it. These last few months have been this weird transition from the last few years. It's like my entire teenage life, or rather the entire time my personality truly became me was being hindered my someone else trying to sculpt me into what they wanted. Now I'm becoming this hybrid of what I liked from that, along with how I really am. Being comfortable with myself is the most rewarding feeling I think I've ever felt, it's just so nice to do something and not think afterwards, "well that was embarrassing" or, "I can't believe I just did that, I look like a complete idiot." No more ice cold knives in my chest late at night alone in a bed for two, now I'm only feeling warmth from dancing until my legs hurt and my clothes are damp from the effort of trying to improve. I love how I can be so up front and open about my life and some pretty intimate feelings to friends and people I work with, but i get so shy that I pretend I have absolutely no interest in girls at all when I'm forced to talk to girls I don't know even a little bit. Like my defense mechanism to protect myself from being rejected is to feign complete disinterest; in turn, causing rejection. This is a ramble but it's a good ramble. Therapeutic rambles are necessary from time to time. I've made a lot of mistakes lately, financially and romantically, I'm working on fixing them. I got a new job to take care of the financial part, it kicked my ass the last time I did it, but now I'm a hard worker, I'm dedicated, I take pride in what I do for a living. If I can do that with this job, I'll be set for life. Maybe even own the company some day. That'd be impressive, but even more impressive would be me finding a girl who truly loves me. A girl who isn't manipulative, and one I could trust. That's really the most that I want. I don't want to question her motives, or whether or not she has lied to me. I want to feel comfortable and safe. I don't want to be scared of betrayal constantly because of her, and I don't want to feel unwanted but obligated to stay. Being told "if that's what you want then fine," with the most disinterested look hurts so much when you're suggesting a break so that you can both decide if you still want the same things, but it goes from hurt to anger when the time comes and you've already decided you don't like feeling hurt and unwanted anymore but they decided far too late to change your mind, and guilt trip and beg and plead with you until you feel like it's your fault that you aren't happy and in love anymore, when they were the ones that pushed you away and stopped caring about you long before you made the decision not to let yourself hurt anymore. I'm still dealing with the awkwardness of people we mutually know asking about her and bringing her up as though I fucking want to talk about her. Or telling me random bits of news from her life, like leave me the fuck alone what makes you think I want to hear this shit anymore? I'd love to be able to say "im completely and totally over her" but that'd be a fucking lie. I loved her with everything I ever had, I would've given her everything I had to give, I was hers entirely. But feeling worthless and unwanted was not what I signed up for. I still laugh about the fun times we had, and I still get really sad thinking about the times we were sad for each other and not because of each other. I remember all the times I insisted we talk it out instead of fighting, I remember the exact way it felt to look at her and feel this surge of love and affection and happiness, and I worry that not only may I never feel that way with another girl again, but that I might not ever have a relationship with another girl again. Which sounds very depressing and dramatic, but it seems like I'm on the fast track there with how every time I make plans with girls they flake on the plans and rescheduling them no matter how many times doesn't work. I've come to the conclusion that if I get cancelled on once, and try to reschedule at least 2 times and get shot down, it's best to just stop talking to them entirely. It's better to move on from it than wasting my time talking to people who don't even want to get lunch with me. Fuck, this was a lot of random bullshit, I only started writing because I was tired and figured fuck it, my usual method of going to sleep isn't helping, let's try something new. I'm still not tired though so I suppose I could go in depth on my sleep method. For as long as I can remember, I've always had a specific way of trying to go to sleep. I would create stories for myself. Love stories to be exact. I'd think up some girl, name, appearance, attributes and all, and I'd come up with a setting, a reason for our meeting, us becoming friends, eventually dating, and whatever else happens along the way. My favorite part of these stories is that the dream girl was never the same girl. Never had the same imagined physical traits, never had the same personality, nothing. So I guess I've cast a big enough net for myself that eventually, someday there's gonna be at least one girl out there who thinks, "I've got to have him." And I cannot wait for that day.